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(by hoogiman, contributions by tikitikirevenge) “Last time, on The Smashy
Amazing Race,” said Master Hand, “Teams departed on the third leg of a race
around the world! “This is going so slow,”
said Bowser.
The Teams : Zelda and Donkey Kong (The
Emotionally Incompetent)
“Samus and Falcon, who arrived at 3:42 PM, will depart at 3:42 AM!” said Master Hand.
Samus and Falcon Samus ripped open the clue. “You must now make your way to the Corneria Gun Club!” said Samus.
“Teams must travel four kilometres to the famous Corneria Gun Club, and shoot five bullseyes each on a twenty metre target to receive their next clue!” said Master Hand.
“Can you shoot?” asked Falcon. Samus got a bottle from the ground, tossed it up twenty metres in the air, and shot it once, splitting it neatly in half. “Cool,” said Captain Falcon. Captain Falcon made a lame joke about dating and guns. Samus pushed Falcon’s wrist so far back, that it snapped and he could no longer feel any sensation in it. Ray Romano did a stand-up routine nearby. Samus shot Ray Romano. “DOES ANYONE ELSE WANT TO MAKE A BAD PUN?” shouted Samus, “BECAUSE THEY WILL BE SHOT!” A couple of Japanese Comedians walked nearby, saying their unfunny anecdotes. Samus shot them all. “You just sapped all of the humour out of Japan,” said Falcon. “WAS THAT A BAD PUN?” asked Samus. “Uh… no…” said Falcon, sweating.
Kirby and Jigglypuff Kirby grabbed the clue. “Okay,” said Kirby, ripping open the clue. Jigglypuff grabbed the opened clue from Kirby, stuffed it in a bucket of paint, poured ramen noodles all over in and then rubbed it in the mud. “Jigs, what are you doing?” shouted Kirby, anxiously. “Jig Iggly Ig, Puff Ig Jig!” said Jigglypuff. “I’m testing if this stain remover, ‘BAM’ works!” Jigglypuff poured some BAM spray and wipe on the clue, containing all of the vital information. She then proceeded to grab a towel, and try and remove all of the stains off. Nothing happened. “Puff…” said Jigglypuff, “Oops…” Jigglypuff pressed the Control + Z keys on the keyboard. “Jig!” said Jigglypuff, happily. “Better!” “You must now make your way to the Corneria Gun Club!” read Kirby, “Once there, you must shoot five targets each, to receive your next clue!”
Samus and Falcon Samus walked up to the shooting club door. “Opens at 7,” said Samus. “Drat,” said Falcon, “Everyone’s going to get here.” “You know,” said Falcon, “Yo mamma’s so fat…” Samus drew her gun, and pointed it at Falcon.
Kirby and Jigglypuff Kirby and Jigglypuff walked up to the shooting club. “Opens at 7:00,” said Kirby. “We’ve got three hours to spare!” Jigglypuff looked at the carpet, and pulled out a bowl of ramen noodles. “I already told you Jigs, that stuff doesn’t work!” said Kirby.
Fox and Roy “You must now make your way to the Corneria Gun Club!” read Roy, “Once there, you must shoot five targets each, to receive your next clue!” “Hey!” said Fox, in a kiddy voice, “While we’re waiting, let’s play bingo!” “No.” “Aww.” “Scrabble?” “No!” “Boggle?” “NO!” “Cluedo!” “NO!1” Jigglypuff poured some Bam spray and wipe on Fox’s eyes, blinding him, thus ending this rather dull paragraph.
Zelda and Donkey Kong “You may now depart!” said the producer. Silence. More Silence. “k’,” said Donkey Kong. “That was a slow reaction!” said Zelda. Silence. More Silence. 15 more seconds of silence. “I am not slow!” shouted Donkey Kong. The producer hit Donkey Kong in the leg with a mallet. “So anyway, I was thinking the strategy that we’d take in the course of the- hey! That hurt! Ow!” said Donkey Kong, angrily. “You’re slow,” said Zelda. “You’re slow!” said Donkey Kong, angrily. A few minutes of silence. “Oh yeah?” said Zelda. “Well… well…”
Rofl Pony
Dr. Smith
Mr. Kambat
Jalliwakendouselshpooden
Captain Comeback
WTF Chicken
Jigglypuff poured some Bam spray and wipe on The WTF Chicken’s eyes, blinding him, thus ending this rather dull paragraph. “Oh.”
Fox and Roy “Looks like we’re going to have to wait here for about two hours,” said Roy. “’k,” said Fox. Fox opened a computer and started bashing his computer against his head. “Are you well?” asked Roy, with an emphasis on the word, well. “No, I am, not well,” said Fox, with an emphasis on the word, well, perhaps prompting the rofl pony to say something. “Oh, if you’re not, well, then, well… well…”
Rofl Pony
The audience applauded that obviously ad-lib statement.
Mr. Prompt
Zelda and Donkey Kong “If the place opens at seven,” said Zelda, “What are we going to do now?” “Well, I guess we could-”
Rofl Pony
This awful overused joke has now been promoted to, a running gag! The audience clapped.
Ness
and Yoshi “Well, it was the brains that got us a place better last leg,” said Ness, “So hopefully we can use our brains again to our advantage!” “Hup Yoshi, Yoshi Yoshi?” asked Yoshi. “Hey, you said ‘well’, so where’s the well running gag?” “Dunno,” said Ness. Yoshi opened the clue. “Yoshi Yoshi hup Yoshi, hurr Yoshi oshi, ara Yoshi!” said Yoshi. “You must now make your way to the Corneria Gun Club! Once there, you must shoot five targets each, to receive your next clue!”
Ness “We want us to be the likable team,” said Ness, “So when the time comes around for others to help us, we can be paid off for how nice we played!”
Bowser and Ganondorf “We’ve decided for a strategy change,” said Bowser, “We were too held back the last few legs, so now we’re going to take any chance to surge ahead, no matter how cheap we appear!” “You must now make your way to the Corneria Gun Club!” read Bowser, “Once there, you must shoot five targets each, to receive your next clue!”
Young Link and Popo “We’ve had too many brushes with elimination,” said Young Link, “At the moment, we’ve been just gripping on to not getting eliminated! Popo is obviously the weak link in this-” “Did you just call me bad at this race?” said Popo. “Well, duh!” said Young Link, sticking his tongue out. “What about your stupid traps that you tried to eliminated Mario and Peach by using? They didn’t work! It made us do worse!” said Popo, angrily. “Well, uh… well… uh…” Young Link through a sleeping-pill bomb at Popo. Popo passed out. “Haha! Take that Popo!” said Young Link. Young Link looked at Popo’s body. “Aww… I’m going to have to drag this body,” said Young Link, sadly. Silence. “Stupid Popo,” said Young Link, angrily.
Mario and Peach “You must now make your way to the Corneria Gun Club! Once there, you must shoot five targets each, to receive your next clue!” read Mario. “Me and Peach-a,” said Mario, looking at the camera, “Even though we haven’t been doing too well, we’ve been enjoying every minute of the race, and that’s what counts!”
Corneria Gun Club
“Well, everything’s really tense,” said Bowser, “It’s going to be really close, everyone’s equal, and it looks like it’s going to be a race in!” “Not on my watch!” said Ganondorf, winking at Bowser. “Oh!” said Bowser, understanding. “The club is open!” said a worker. Some teams tried to race each other in. Ganondorf grabbed Peach and stomped on her several times, Bowser bit Mario, while Ganondorf just missed squashing Jigglypuff as Kirby dived to get her out of the way. Bowser grabbed Popo and threw him a few metres away as Ganondorf kicked Young Link in the shins. “Quickly!” said Bowser. “Some teams are getting in!”
Samus and Falcon Samus threw Roy out of the way from getting to the closest shooting aisle to the door, and grabbed the gun. She made sure the worker was looking, and shot the target bullseye, five times in a row. “Quickly!” said Samus, passing the gun to Falcon.
Ness and Yoshi “Okay, now to have a bullseye shot, we have to take all of the factors into account,” said Ness. Yoshi nodded. “Check the wind speed,” said Ness. Yoshi got out his novelty wind speed toy out of his bag. “Herr!” said Yoshi. “Zero.” “That’s probably because we’re indoors!”
Fox: 2 shots complete “Even though the target is pretty big,” said Fox, “It is much harder to shoot then you think it is!”
Kirby: 0 shots “Jigglypuff!” said Kirby, “Are you sure you can shoot the target four more times? Blindfolded?” Jigglypuff randomly shot four bullets in the air, which bounced off the lights, flew up through the ceiling, orbited Corneria once, and came crashing down, back through the roof, and hit the targets. “Cool!” said Kirby.
DK: 0 shots “How do guns work?” asked Zelda. “Maybe they’re voice activated!” said Donkey Kong, “There are like, telephones that work by voice!” Donkey Kong started talking into the gun, trying to get it to shoot the target. The gun discharged, hitting Donkey Kong in the chin. 15 seconds passed. “Ow! Ow! OOW!1 AAH! AHH! AAAH!!1” screamed Donkey Kong.
Bowser: 0 shots “You think our plan worked?” asked Ganondorf, shooting at a target. “Yeah, sure, there are still two teams out there!” said Bowser.
Young Link and Popo “That’s not fair!” said Young Link, pointing at Bowser and Ganondorf. “That’s like, cheating!” Popo nodded. “I mean, it’s like sabotaging the race! That’s like, cheating!” Popo rolled his eyes.
Ness
: Complete “Hey Yoshi, should I go and help Mario and Peach?” asked Ness. “Seeing that I’m done?” Yoshi nodded. “Okay,” said Ness.
Mario and Peach “Are you okay, guys?” asked Ness, running up to Mario and Peach. “Uh,” said Mario, “Thanks-a Ness, but I think we are fine!” “Oh,” said Ness. “Thanks anyway!” said Mario.
Samus and Falcon “Yes!” said Falcon, taking the clue from the supervisor. “You think anyone else is a good shot?” “Nah, probably not,” said Samus. Falcon opened the clue. “You must now make your way to Hyrule,” read Samus.
“Teams must now make their way to Hyrule! To get there, teams must travel 500 metres to Fox’s spaceship, which they will have to go through a magical door that leads to the Hyrulian woods! Once there, teams must travel 15 kilometres by horseback to ‘Lon Lon Ranch’ to receive their next clue,” said Master Hand.
Fox: Complete “Hey!” said Fox. “Since when does my ship have a magical door?” “Now,” said Master Hand. “And how do you know?” “Uh… well… not secretly installing stuff in your ship without your permission…”
Rofl Pony
“Shut up!” said Master Hand.
Kirby and Jigglypuff Kirby shot at the target, hitting it. “Yes!” said Kirby. Kirby retrieved the clue from the supervisor. “You must now make your way to Hyrule, and travel by horseback to Lon Lon Ranch!” read Kirby. “To get to Hyrule, you must walk 500 metres to find Fox’s spaceship and walk through the magical door!”
Ness and Yoshi “Good job, Yoshi! We hit the target spot on every time!” said Ness. Yoshi opened the clue. “Herr Yoshi, hup Yoshi, Yoshi!” said Yoshi. “You must now make your way to Hyrule, and travel by horseback to Lon Lon Ranch!” “Hurry, we just finished after the puffballs!” said Ness.
Bowser and Ganondorf “Wow,” said Bowser, opening the clue, “We’re all neck and neck!” “You must now make your way to Hyrule, and travel by horseback to Lon Lon Ranch!” read Bowser.
Fox: Complete “Come on, Roy, two more shots!” said Fox. “I can’t believe this,” said Roy, “Half of the teams have got there!” “Half of the teams are going to see my secret kiddy book stash before me!” said Fox, worriedly. “This, I’ve got to see!” said Roy, suddenly speeding up.
Zelda: 2 shots “Come on, Zelda, only a few more shots!” said Donkey Kong. “How did you recover from being shot in a matter of minutes?” asked Zelda. 15 minutes passed. “Well…”
Brady Bunch “Shut up!” said Mr. Television Producer, “You’re not funny! Or entertaining.” “The Brady Bunch was never entertaining,” said Marcia.
Popo: Complete “This is really frustrating,” said Young Link, angrily, “I’ve just been sitting here for ages, and Popo doesn’t even want to touch the gun!” “Young Link, I’ve been trying to tell this to you for ages!” said Popo, “You’re the one that’s slowing us down! I’ve been telling you that it’s your turn to shoot, many times, but you haven’t listened!” “Well… well…” said Young Link. “DON’T SAY IT!” shouted Popo, angrily.
Mario: Complete “Peach-a has absolutely no idea,” said Mario, angrily. “I’ve been trying to tell her that the bullets need to be refilled, but she hasn’t absorbed the message!”
Fox’s Spaceship
Samus and Falcon “Ready to ride by horseback?” asked Samus, running into Fox’s spaceship. “I’ll ride your horse…” said Falcon in a high but disturbingly sexy voice. Samus punched Falcon in the groin. “Must… remember… to wear… protective gear…” Samus and Falcon ran into the magical door. Samus and Falcon walked out of the magical door, appearing in Hyrule next to some stables. “Cool!” said Falcon, looking around. Samus walked up to a horse, and started talking to it. Falcon looked at the horse. “How sweet!” said Falcon. The horse clobbered Falcon to death. “Sweet indeed,” said Samus, reading ‘Horse Psychology Monthly.’
Kirby and Jigglypuff Kirby and Jigglypuff walked through the magical door, into Hyrule Woods. “Cool!” said Kirby. Kirby ran over to a horse, and jumped onto it. “I like this horse!” said Kirby. “Why aren’t you riding me?” asked the rofl pony. “You’re not real.” “Oh. Okay then.”
Ness and Yoshi Ness and Yoshi walked through the magical door. “Cool!” said Ness. “Yoshi Yoshi?” asked Yoshi. “Can you ride?” “Sure! Which horse should we get?” said Ness.
Bowser and Ganondorf Bowser and Ganondorf walked through the magical door. Some of the horses played dead, while others panicked and ran in circles. “Cool! The horsies like us!” said Bowser, in a cute voice.
Corneria Gun Club
Fox and Roy “Finally!” said Fox, taking the clue. “Quickly! Zelda and DK have got the clue as well!” “You must now make your way to Hyrule, and travel by horseback to Lon Lon Ranch!” read Fox.
Zelda and Donkey Kong “To get to Hyrule, you must walk 500 metres to find Fox’s spaceship and walk through the magical door!” read Zelda.
“One more shot, Young Link!” said Popo. Young Link squinted his left eye, and shot at the target. A worker next to the target signalled a bullseye, and Popo grabbed the clue. “Finally!” said Young Link impatiently, looking at Popo angrily. “I mean, Popo, you’re letting the team down!” Popo sighed. “You must now make your way to Hyrule, and travel by horseback to Lon Lon Ranch!” read Popo. “Cool! Lon Lon Ranch!” said Young Link, “That’s like my favourite milk, ever!”
Mario: Complete “This is-a kind of frustrating,” said Mario, “Peach has shot at-a the target and missed many times!” Mario looked at Peach, and then glanced back at the camera. “Peach has missed so many times so far, she hasn’t got anywhere near! Out of forty bullets, she’s only hit the target twice, managed to hit a worker five metres away, but still somehow shot Fox and Roy’s bullseye, helping them finish!”
Lost Woods
Ness and Yoshi “Well, most of the teams are neck and neck!” said Ness, sitting behind Yoshi, who controlled the horse. “There’s no-one here that can really ride, so it seems that we’re all going to finish equal!”
Bowser and Ganondorf “Well, our horse has made some good ground,” said Bowser, sitting behind Ganondorf, “We’ve passed the puffballs, who are about ten metres out, Samus and Falcon, who are about five metres out, and now we’re trying to pass the nerds!”
Samus and Falcon “I don’t think the race has got any closer than this,” said Samus, “The top four are literally divided by seconds!” “Looking at the map,” said Falcon, “Which I can barely read, we’re about halfway there.”
Kirby and Jigglypuff “We’re going to a Lon Lon Ranch, a milk producer,” said Kirby, “Hopefully we get to drink milk there, or something involving eating!”
Zelda and Donkey Kong “Zelda is a very good rider,” said Zelda, “Our horse is going at least twice as fast as Fox and Roy’s horse, and they’re nowhere to be seen!”
Fox and Roy “Well, this hasn’t been a very good leg so far,” said Fox, “Third to sixth.”
Young Link and Popo “Can you ride well?” asked Popo. “Can I?” asked Young Link. “Of course! Hey… is that Fox and Roy up in the distance?”
Mario: Complete “I can’t-a believe how far behind we are!” said Mario. “I just hope some other-a team stuffs up!” Peach shot a bull’s eye. “I shot a bull’s eye!” said Peach. The bull died. “Aww,” said Peach. “That was an awful pun!” said Mario, angrily. “Just ‘cause someone died,” pouted Peach.
Lon Lon Ranch
Bowser and Ganondorf “Hurry Bowser!” said Ganondorf, getting off the horse. Ganondorf and Bowser ran over to the clue box. Ganondorf retrieved a clue, and ripped it open. “Fast Forward!” said Ganondorf.
“Fast Forward!” said Master
Hand. “This is one of three fast forwards, which allow teams to skip all tasks,
and go to the pit stop! Teams can only use their powers once, so they will have
to decide when it is the best time to use their powers!
“Do you want to do the Fast Forward?” said Ganondorf. “Naah, we’re first, we’re not going to get eliminated, let’s do the Road Block!” said Bowser. “Who wants a cow of a fun time?” read Ganondorf.
“Road Block! A Road Block is a task that only one person may perform! In this Road Block, that person must drink a whole two litres of Lon Lon milk! Once they have done this, they can receive their next clue!”
“I’ll do it,” said Bowser.
Ness and Yoshi “Fast Forward!” said Ness. Ness read the contents. “You want to fish?” asked Ness. “Hurr Yoshi, Yoshi!” said Yoshi. “Okay, let’s have a punt!”
Kirby and Jigglypuff “We’re not going to do the Fast Forward, Jigs,” said Kirby, “If I do the Road Block, then we’re going to finish easy!” Kirby walked into the stable, and walked to the big bottle of milk.
Samus and Falcon “You’re going to drink those two litres,” said Samus, bluntly. “No way!” said Falcon. “And you’re going to do it in a minute,” said Samus, loading her gun. “Uh… okay…” said Falcon, sweating.
Young Link and Popo “So we’re just in front of DK and Zelda,” said Young Link, “And we overtook Fox and Roy ages ago!”
Zelda and DK “I can’t believe those little twerps overtook us!” said DK, angrily. “You have any fruit? I want to throw them at Young Link,” said Zelda, determined. DK got a watermelon out of his bag. Zelda threw the watermelon at Young Link, but missed, and hit Popo in the head. “OW!” screamed Popo. “Pussy,” said Young Link, “You’ll get over your headache! Pussy.” DK passed another watermelon to Zelda. Zelda threw the watermelon at Young Link, but missed, and hit Popo again. “OWWW!!1” screamed Popo. “I can’t believe you!” said Young Link, angrily. “You cry over the littlest things! Pussy.” DK threw a blueberry at Young Link, hitting him on the head. Young Link cried. Popo sighed.
Fox and Roy “I cannot believe our luck,” said Roy, angrily. “Third to second last. Four people overtook us.” “I just hope Peach is still struggling to hit that bullseye!”
Peach: 4 shots “Come on-a Peach!” said Mario, angrily. “You’ve been on four shots for ages now! And you’ve shot twelve bulls, and they’re blocking your view of the target! Get them out of the way!” “But the bulls enhance my sight!” said Peach, doing a twirl. A bull from the large pile fell on Peach. “But the bulls enhance my sight!” said Peach, doing a twirl. The Chicago Bulls started trampling over Peach. “Enough with the shoddy Peach Viewer Mail humour!” said Mario, angrily.
Kirby “Wow,” said the worker, handing over the clue. “Is that all?” said Kirby, astonished. “Yes,” said the worker, shocked. “Pfft,” said Kirby, angrily. Kirby ran over and gave the clue to Jigglypuff. “Jig Iggly Jig, Jig Iggly Jig!” read Jigglypuff. “You must now make your way to the Hyrule Market!”
“Teams must now travel by horse two kilometres to the historical Hyrule Town Market, and search for their next clue!” said Master Hand.
“All right!” said Kirby.
Falcon
Bowser
“This stuff is so thick!” said Bowser, trying to force the milk down. “How can people drink this stuff?”
Young Link and Popo “Cool! The Lon Lon Ranch!” said Young Link, jumping off the horse, running into the stables with a big grin on his mouth. Young Link excitedly grabbed and opened the clue. “Fast Forward? Or Drink Milk!” said Young Link. Popo ran in. “I’m doing the Road Block!” said Young Link. Young Link excitedly ran into the stable, and started drinking down milk.
Zelda and DK “Do you want to go for the Fast Forward?” asked Zelda. “Naah, another team’s probably gone for it,” said Donkey Kong, “I’ll drink two litres of milk!”
Fox and Roy “Come on, Roy,” said Fox, sitting behind Roy. “We’ve only got one more kilometre!”
Lake Hylia
Ness and Yoshi “Well, it’s a good start,” said Ness, “We’ve had to throw back two small Carp fish, but if another team comes here, we have one fish better on our target than them!”
Corneria Gun Club “We’ve been here for over an hour,” said Mario, impatiently, “And I’ve been waiting for at least ten minutes for-a Peach to hit the target!” Peach shot several wild bullets, one hitting the target. “Yes!” said Mario, taking the clue. “You must-a now make your way to Hyrule, and travel by horseback to Lon Lon Ranch!” read Mario.
Lon Lon Ranch
Bowser
“Hurry up! Young Link hasn’t stopped drinking yet!” said Ganondorf.
Young Link “Mmm…” said Young Link, continuing to smile, sculling down the milk without taking a breath.
Falcon
“You don’t know how thick this milk is!” said Falcon, “In fact, you probably haven’t eaten for years!” replied Captain Falcon, angrily.
DK
Zelda smiled at Donkey Kong. “Oh, Donkey Kong chugging down all of that milk looks soo hot…” thought Zelda.
Ness and Yoshi Ness’ eyes went wide open. “Oh my g…” said Ness, hearing Zelda’s thoughts, “I’m never going to look at her the same way again!”
Fox and Roy “Do you want to do the Fast Forward?” asked Fox. “I guess it’s practically our only chance,” said Roy. “I think we should, I think everyone did the road block,” said Fox.
Mario and Peach “Oh-a no,” said Mario, looking at the one remaining horse, “No one is to be seen! And I can’t see anyone in the distance! This is the end!” Cue the dramatic music and the ad break.
Lon Lon Ranch
Young Link and Popo “Wow, we beat the other teams who we were behind!” said Popo, amazed. “No, I did,” said Young Link angrily. Popo sighed. Young Link opened the clue. “You must now make your way to the Hyrule Market!” read Young Link. “Cool! I know where that is!” said Young Link.
Bowser and Ganondorf “I don’t know how,” said Ganondorf, grabbing the clue, “But the little kids somehow beat Bowser in a sculling race!” “He didn’t breathe at all, I swear!” said Bowser. Ganondorf opened the clue. “You must now make your way to the Hyrule Market!” read Ganondorf. “Oh, I remember that place, when I put that death curse on it, and terrorised a few hundred people,” said Ganondorf.
Zelda and Donkey Kong “You did a good job, DK!” said Zelda, opening the clue. “You must now make your way to the Hyrule Market!” read Zelda.
Samus and Falcon “Hurry up!” said Samus, practically shoving the last bits of the milk into Falcon’s mouth. “Okay!” said Falcon, taking the clue. “You must now make your way to the Hyrule Market!” read Falcon.
Lake Hylia
Ness and Yoshi “Well, we’ve done well so far,” said Ness.
Rofl Pony
Fox and Roy “Oh no!” said Fox, pointing. “There’s the nerds already!” “Do you want to try?” asked Roy. “Naah, let’s go back. If they get it, the idiots will beat us to the line!” said Fox.
Mario and Peach “Come on Mario, only three kilometres to go!” said Peach.
Hyrule Town Market
Kirby and Jigglypuff “Cool, this market has so much cool stuff in it!” said Kirby, entering the complex, looking around. “Many delicious-smelling food stalls as well as some neat Hyrulian Crafts!” “Jig Iggly Jig, Iggly Jig!” said Jigglypuff, “It even has volunteers that want to get on TV will let you test BAM spray and wipe on them, and you can stain them with practically anything you want!” “I want to come back here!” said Kirby, spotting the clue box. Kirby grabbed a clue, and opened it. “Detour!” read Kirby.
“Detour!” said Master Hand.
“A detour is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons! In
this detour: Life or Death!
“Life?” asked Kirby. Jigglypuff nodded.
8:45 AM
Ness and Yoshi Yoshi cheered as Ness reeled in their last Carp Fish. “Okay, now we just have to sell it!” said Ness. Ness and Yoshi walked to the set up stall at the side of the lake, and waited for buyers. Master Hand floated by. “Quickly! Here’s your clue!” said Master Hand, panicking, taking the fish. “Run before the cops see us! Run!” “Wait… is Carp fishing even legal? I thought they were an endangered species!” said Ness. “Just run!” said Master Hand, pushing them away. “Okay,” said Ness, opening the clue. “You must now make your way to the pit stop,” read Ness.
“Having completed the Fast Forward, Ness and Yoshi can now skip all tasks, and make their way four hundred metres to Lake Hylia Inn, the fourth pit stop in a race around the world! Teams must hurry, as the last team to arrive, may be eliminated,” said Master Hand.
8:50 AM
Fox and Roy “Hurry!” said Fox, running off the horse, “There’s Mario in the background!” “Should I drink the milk?” said Roy. “Okay, you do it,” said Fox. Roy ran into the stable, and took the bottle of milk.
Mario and Peach “Hey-a, is that Fox and Roy?” said Mario, guiding the horse to approach Lon Lon Ranch. “It is!” said Peach. “Come on-a Peach, we might just still have a chance!” said Mario.
Ness and Yoshi Ness and Yoshi walked into the inn, and noticed the universe mat there. They both stood on, and looked at Master Hand. “Ness and Yoshi, you are team number one!” said Master Hand. “All right!” said Ness, giving Yoshi a hi-five. “Yoshi Yoshi, oshi ara Yoshi!” said Yoshi. “Our brains helped us again! Without them, we would have struggled with the gun task, but we managed to work that out, and do it quickly!” “And as the winners of this leg of the race,” said Master Hand, “You win VIP tickets to the five-day Science Con in Corneria!” Ness and Yoshi cheered.
Hyrule Town Market
Kirby and Jigglypuff “Me and Jigs have been working pretty fast at the moment,” said Kirby, opening a sealed heart container, “We’ve managed to open about thirty containers in a few minutes, and hopefully we’ll get the clue soon!”
Young Link and Popo “Cool, this place is awesome!” said Popo, looking around. Popo took the clue, and opened it. “Detour!” read Popo, “Life or Death?” “Death,” said Young Link, “Opening stuff is boring.”
Bowser and Ganondorf “You want to do climbing?” asked Ganondorf. “Sure, we’re like the strongest team, we’ll overtake anyone!” said Bowser.
Samus and Falcon “Climbing Death Mountain sounds tame,” said Samus. Falcon looked up at Death Mountain, and started trembling. “Uh… yeah… easy… tame…” said Falcon, sweating. “You sure you want to go up, Pussy?” asked Samus, sticking her tongue out. “Uh… of course… sounds… easy…”
Zelda and DK “Climbing or Searching?” asked DK. “Cimbing sounds hard, let’s search for the stuff,” said Zelda.
Lon Lon Ranch
Peach “Come on-a Peach,” said Mario. “Drink the milk!” “Come-a on-a Mario-a,” said Peach, giggling. Mario giggled at Peach’s impression, “Oh, how cute Peach!” “I am-a Mario-a!” said Peach. Mario giggled slightly, “Come on-a Peach and drink the milk!” “Hurry-a up-a Mario-a and-a drink-a up-a that-a bottle-a of-a milk-a!” said Peach, giggling. “Enough,” said Mario angrily, “That’s enough Peach!” “E-a-n-a-o-u-g-h-a o-a-f-a w-a-h-a-a-a-t?” said Peach. “Okay, stop!” said Mario. “E-a-n-a-o-u-g-h-a o-a-f-a w-a-h-a-a-a-t?” said Peach. Some Italian plumbers clobbered Peach. “Ow,” said Peach.
Roy “We still might have a chance,” said Fox, “Peach is struggling to pick up the bottle of milk without dropping it! I reckon her muscles don’t even communicate with each other.”
Peach’s Arm Muscles
Peach’s Face Muscles
Peach’s Tail Muscles
Peach’s Brain … … … …
Death Mountain
Samus and Falcon “Uh…” said Samus, “Better go to the top then! Only two hundred more meters up!”
Bowser and Ganondorf “If you wanna rock and roll!” sang Bowser in a rock star voice. Ganondorf kicked Bowser in the shins. “Hurry up, let’s gain on those shrimps!” said Bowser.
Hyrule Town Market
Kirby and Jigglypuff “Jig Iggly Ig Puff,” said Jigglypuff. “Naah, let’s see them cover our ground.” “Hey look, I got a clue!” said Kirby. Jigglypuff cheered. Kirby took the marker out of the container, and presented it to the worker. He then collected the clue, and read it out. “You must now ride by horse to the fourth pit stop in a race around the world, Lake Hylia Inn!” said Kirby. “Okay, let’s go!” said Kirby.
Zelda and DK “Should we search the other side?” asked Zelda. “Yeah, I think they’ve already done this side.”
Young Link and Popo
“We’ve been here for two minutes, and you’ve opened two containers, and you call this tough?” asked Popo. “Well… NO! DON’T DO IT!” Popo sighed.
Lon Lon Ranch
Fox and Roy “Yes!” said Roy, taking the clue, running out of the barn. “Where do we have to go next?” asked Fox, looking at Roy open the clue. “Hyrule Town Market,” said Roy.
Mario and Peach “Come on-a, Peach!” said Mario, “Fox and Roy are leaving!” Peach drank down the last bit of milk. “Yay!” said Peach, taking the clue. Peach opened the clue, and read “You must now make your way to the Hyrule Market!”
Death Mountain
Samus and Falcon Samus looked at a sign. “You apparently have to go into the active volcano and search for the clue in the lava,” said Samus. “Come again?” asked Falcon. Samus pushed Falcon into the volcano. “AAAH! AAAAAAHH!” said Falcon, getting burnt. Bowser and Ganondorf walked up. “Pussy,” said Ganondorf. “I agree,” said Samus. Bowser calmly walked down into the volcano, stepped into the lava and retrieved the clue. “AAAH! AAAAH! How can’t you get hurt?” screamed Falcon. “You’ll do fine,” said Bowser, reading the clue. “You must now ride by horse to the fourth pit stop in a race around the world, Lake Hylia Inn!” read Bowser.
Young Link and Popo “Hey, I found the marker!” said Popo. “Give me that,” said Young Link, angrily, snatching the small marker ribbon from Popo and placing it in another empty container. Young Link opened the empty container. “Oh my! I’ve found a marker!” said Young Link, excitedly. “What are you even going to achieve from sucking up to the camera?” asked Popo. “The viewers want me to do well,” said Young Link, proudly. Popo sighed.
Zelda and DK “Hey! I found one as well!” said Zelda. “Quickly, let’s beat the kids!” said Donkey Kong.
Kirby and Jigglypuff Kirby and Jigglypuff walked into the Lake Hylia Inn, and stepped on the world map. “Kirby and Jigglypuff, you are team number two!” said Master Hand. “Yay,” said Kirby, kissing Jigglypuff.
Bowser and Ganondorf “Only two hundred more metres to go,” said Ganondorf. “Hey, is that Zelda and DK and the kids on the horizon?” asked Bowser. “It is!” said Ganondorf. “Quickly! Hurry! Zelda and Young Link are good horse riders!”
Samus and Falcon “Look! Hurry! There’s the kids!” said Samus, “Speed up!”
Zelda and Donkey Kong “Good job, Zel,” said Donkey Kong, “Only two hundred more metres!” “Hey, is that the two aggro teams?” asked Zelda. “Yeah, it is! Quick!” said Donkey Kong.
Young Link and Popo “This is going to be chaos!” said Popo. “The Pit Stop is right in the middle of us, and there are two teams coming from one direction, and two teams from the other!”
Lake Hylia Inn
Samus and Falcon “Hurry Falcon!” said Samus. “I’m trying!” said Falcon, trying to be as loud as he could. “Here’s the turn in!” Samus and Falcon’s horse rode into the main grounds of Lake Hylia Inn. “Get there as fast as you can!” said Samus. “I don’t care if you crash the window to get there quicker!”
Bowser and Ganondorf Bowser’s horse entered the complex. “Quickly! Stop them with this crowbar!” said Bowser, passing a crowbar to Ganondorf behind him. Ganondorf threw a crowbar at Samus and Falcon, hitting Falcon in the head, knocking him off the horse. “Yes!” said Ganondorf.
Samus and Falcon “Crap!” said Samus, stopping the horse to get Falcon. “The pit stop’s 20 metres in front of us, and Falcon fell off!” “Hurry up, Falcon!” said Samus. Bowser charged at Samus, and got past her. However, as Ganondorf tried to jog past Samus grabbed him, and threw him away from the pit stop a few metres, as Falcon tried to get on his feet.
Young Link and Popo “Hurry!” said Young Link, running off his horse. “Let’s try and sneak in as the other two teams fight!”
Zelda and Donkey Kong “Zelda, keep on going!” said Donkey Kong, “Crash into the window right next to the pit stop.”
Pit Stop “Lah… tee tah…” said Master Hand, sipping a cup of coffee. A horse crashed through the window a few metres nearby, and Zelda and Donkey Kong stumbled onto the mat. “Woah,” said Master Hand, shocked. The owner looked shocked. Master Hand floated onto the map, and said, “Wow, Zelda and Donkey Kong, you are team number three!” “Woo,” said Zelda. Samus and Falcon rushed into the inn, being followed closely by Bowser and Ganondorf, who went straight through the door, breaking it. “Okay,” said Master Hand, “Samus and Falcon, you are team number four, Bowser and Ganondorf, you are team number five!” The owner started crying. Popo and Young Link ran into the inn a few minutes later. “Young Link and Popo, you are team number six!” “I’m glad they didn’t wreck the hotel,” though the owner. An earthquake collapsed the building, killing everyone inside it. Luckily, due to huge amounts of continuity errors, the last sentence could not be taken seriously.
Hyrule Town Market
Fox and Roy “Well, we’ve been opening these containers for about ten minutes, and there’s still no sign of Mario and Peach,” said Fox. Mario and Peach ran into the Heart Container store, opened a random container that so happened to contain the clue marker, received the clue and ran out. “Crap!” said Fox. Roy opened a heart container. “I found one!” said Roy. Roy quickly obtained the clue, read it out, and ran out.
Mario and Peach “It’s going to be a horse race to the end,” said Mario, getting on the horse. “Aah! The suspense! It contains so much suspenseness!” said Peach. “Is that a word?” Mario paused, letting Fox and Roy catch up. … … Causing more suspense.
Fox and Roy “Get on!” said Fox, jumping onto the horse. Roy stumbled onto the back of the horse, as Fox hit the horse to make it go faster. “Can we sabotage them somehow?” asked Fox. “Use this crowbar!” said Roy, passing a crowbar to Fox. Fox threw the crowbar at Mario, but missed and hit Peach. Nothing happened. Fox threw the crowbar at Mario, but missed and hit Peach. Nothing happened.
Mario and Peach “I feel a sudden headache! Of headacheness!” said Peach. “Not the time,” said Mario.
Fox and Roy “We’re catching up!” said Roy. “We’re only about ten metres behind them!” “We must have an object to throw at Mario,” said Fox angrily. Jigglypuff jumped onto the horse. “Jig Iggly Ig!” said Jigglypuff, “Use this Bam Spray and Wipe!” Fox’s horse caught up, so the two teams were neck and neck. Jigglypuff poured the Bam Spray and Wipe onto Mario and Peach’s horse, cutting a huge holed into the back of the horse. Peach picked up the slab of meat, and started eating. “Mmm!” said Peach. “Damn it!” said Fox. Fox hit harder on the horse, making the horse overtake Peach’s horse by about ten metres. “Yes!” said Roy.
Mario and Peach “How much more do we have to go?” asked Mario. “One kilometre!” said Peach.
Pit Stop Master Hand sat calmly on the table. Two horses crashed through the newly-replaced window. The owner started to weep. Fox tried to dash off the horse onto the pit stop, but Peach grabbed Fox’s legs as he just could not reach the pit stop by twenty centimetres. Mario and Roy had a brief fist fight, before Roy dashed onto the pit stop. Peach kept on holding Fox, a few centimetres away from his reach of the pit stop, as Mario and Roy both tried to fend each other off from touching the pit stop. Fox finally touched the pit stop, but Mario managed to restrain Roy from touching the pit stop, and throw him a few metres away. Fox tried to block Peach from getting on the pit stop, but Peach managed to push her way onto the pit stop. “Dang!” said Fox. “Mario and Peach,” said Master Hand, “You are team number seven!” “Yay!” said Peach. “We’ve managed to-a have fun throughout most of the race, and that’s what’s important!” said Mario. Fox sighed, as he and Roy walked onto the map. “This has been a non-stop leg,” said Fox, “Right from the start we’ve been just running without stopping!” “Fox and Roy,” said Master Hand, “You are the last team to arrive. And I’m… sorry to tell you, you have been eliminated from the race.” “Well, we had a good time,” said Roy.
Rofl Pony
The episode ended abruptly.
Finish Times: Ness
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